Fat Guy Coalition Numbers Reach Record High!

Well, I don't care if it's just four of us. That's still a record for the Fat Guy Report.

I'd like to welcome two more members to the FGC — Big Matt and the Big E. The Big E has also finally joined me here on the staff of the Fat Guy Report. He may be a few months late, but you, our giggling brethren, will soon get to peer into the mind of the other founding father of this forum.

My rules from the last post still apply. And while the Big E will get many chances to broach whatever subjects he chooses to pontificate upon, Big Matt has yet to submit his topic choice for the next post. It may not be much of a loss for those of you who know Big Matt personally, because when he does select a topic, I expect it to be explicit and/or uncomfortable. However, rules are rules. He gets his own topic once he comes up with one.

That's about it on the numbers and staff front, but I do have one fat guy issue I have wanted to get to since last week, but I don't think it really warrants its own post.

Indignity While Flying Coach

Mike Golic on ESPN Radio's Mike and Mike show mentioned this during Friday's broadcast, but it reminded me of my own experience a few years back.

While flying from San Jose, CA to Washington D.C. in the Spring of 2005, I was given the dreaded middle seat on the first leg of my flight. There isn't a fat guy alive who has ever enjoyed flying in the middle seat on any airplane, let alone one from a cramped, cheap, coach-only airline.

If you've ever watched any animal documentary, there is always a segment devoted to the subjects "natural enemy." Well, for the fat guy, our "natural enemy" is the middle seat on an airplane.

It is an experience that pulls together every negative aspect of being a fat guy into one horrendous occasion. First, you have unbearable position of sitting in a seat a few sizes too small, while at the same time having your personal space invaded on both sides. This isn't even fun for little children, let alone 325 pounds of sweating meat.

The second, and really the most egregious punishment involved in this whole situation, is that every pair of passengers with an empty seat between them is looking at you in utter disgust the moment you step into the isle. You have just become those people's greatest nightmare. The thought of your fat carcass crammed into the chair right next to them has every one of those skinny freaks praying to any number of gods in the hope you will calmly walk past.

If you ever want to feel bad about yourself, by all means, purchase a coach ticket and just look at the terrified faces of the normal people sitting so comfortably in their seats. I would have been more at ease walking into my own execution than I was after passing the first few rows on that flight.

What was great was that I was looking down the side I was going to sit in and noticed about halfway up there were two other fat guys sitting next to each other with an open seat in between them. I knew, for the shear sake of comedy, that that was going to be my seat.

It was. And when I turned to sit I looked both of those fat guys in the eye. They turned and looked at each other, then back to me.

We just started laughing.

I (heart) pie.