Fat AIDS

It is the feeling many of us — ah, who am I kidding, all of us — have experienced. It is more than just the feeling of being too full. It is more than just the realization that we have stuffed our gullets beyond what God had intended. No, this is the point of no return. It is when eating has caused you physical pain.

I guess any one can experience it, but as a fat guy, it just makes sense that we experience it far more often than the average human. But to fully understand this feeling, we must go through the "Progression of Fullness."

First, there is "unfulfilled." This is when you get one hot dog because time is short. However, three would be have been suffice. You're still hungry and, more importantly, you're just upset.

Second, is "full." It is the feeling you get a few minutes after you have stopped eating before being satisfied. It takes self control to reach this stage. For that reason, it's plain to see why I have not often experienced such a state.

Third, is technically termed "stuffed." More commonly, it is the stage where you pull back from your plate and utter some phrase including the words "too much." You have ate until you feel full, which means you have over done it. This is the way I have felt for approximately 68 percent of my adult life.

Fourth, let's call it, "Oh, God. I think I'm dying." This stage needs little explanation.

Finally, comes the aforementioned period when eating has caused pain. This is, to the best of my knowledge, your body beginning to attack itself as punishment for your gluttony. The clinical diagnosis is "Fat AIDS."

Now, I'd love to take full credit for this idea, but, I cannot. It came about from a dialogue with the Big E about a month ago. When I described the feeling I had in my stomach as my body combating itself, he responded with the now classic, "Like AIDS?"

What followed was the introduction of Fat AIDS into our personal lexicon.

Now it belongs to the entire Fat Guy Coalition.

I (heart) pie.