Fat Guy Coalition Numbers Reach Record High!

Well, I don't care if it's just four of us. That's still a record for the Fat Guy Report.

I'd like to welcome two more members to the FGC — Big Matt and the Big E. The Big E has also finally joined me here on the staff of the Fat Guy Report. He may be a few months late, but you, our giggling brethren, will soon get to peer into the mind of the other founding father of this forum.

My rules from the last post still apply. And while the Big E will get many chances to broach whatever subjects he chooses to pontificate upon, Big Matt has yet to submit his topic choice for the next post. It may not be much of a loss for those of you who know Big Matt personally, because when he does select a topic, I expect it to be explicit and/or uncomfortable. However, rules are rules. He gets his own topic once he comes up with one.

That's about it on the numbers and staff front, but I do have one fat guy issue I have wanted to get to since last week, but I don't think it really warrants its own post.

Indignity While Flying Coach

Mike Golic on ESPN Radio's Mike and Mike show mentioned this during Friday's broadcast, but it reminded me of my own experience a few years back.

While flying from San Jose, CA to Washington D.C. in the Spring of 2005, I was given the dreaded middle seat on the first leg of my flight. There isn't a fat guy alive who has ever enjoyed flying in the middle seat on any airplane, let alone one from a cramped, cheap, coach-only airline.

If you've ever watched any animal documentary, there is always a segment devoted to the subjects "natural enemy." Well, for the fat guy, our "natural enemy" is the middle seat on an airplane.

It is an experience that pulls together every negative aspect of being a fat guy into one horrendous occasion. First, you have unbearable position of sitting in a seat a few sizes too small, while at the same time having your personal space invaded on both sides. This isn't even fun for little children, let alone 325 pounds of sweating meat.

The second, and really the most egregious punishment involved in this whole situation, is that every pair of passengers with an empty seat between them is looking at you in utter disgust the moment you step into the isle. You have just become those people's greatest nightmare. The thought of your fat carcass crammed into the chair right next to them has every one of those skinny freaks praying to any number of gods in the hope you will calmly walk past.

If you ever want to feel bad about yourself, by all means, purchase a coach ticket and just look at the terrified faces of the normal people sitting so comfortably in their seats. I would have been more at ease walking into my own execution than I was after passing the first few rows on that flight.

What was great was that I was looking down the side I was going to sit in and noticed about halfway up there were two other fat guys sitting next to each other with an open seat in between them. I knew, for the shear sake of comedy, that that was going to be my seat.

It was. And when I turned to sit I looked both of those fat guys in the eye. They turned and looked at each other, then back to me.

We just started laughing.

I (heart) pie.

Join the Fat Guy Coalition And Get Your Own Post

There it is. That's the deal. I notice a new individual following the Fat Guy Report and he gets to chose the next post topic.

As you can see in the sidebar to the right, my old friend Bail $$$ has become the beta member of our Coalition. And while he didn't exactly say he wanted to discuss the Hawaiian shirt craze amongst fat guys, he did send this email along earlier today ...

"Don't hate on the Hawaiian shirt. The advantage is we are on the small side of the true Hawaiian/Islanders who wear them. Like when I kick it with the Samoan (police) officer; he's the runt of the village, and I'm not the smallest, but I'm not the biggest as well."

Now, it may not be the most eloquent retort, but we can all see his point. Sort of. 

(Editor's note: I'm not too sure what my aim was with the next few hundred words, but I swear I had a good idea when I started. I ended up changing my position a few times on the Hawaiian shirt issue mid-post. My mind got away from me for second. It happens. So, get ready to read a passionate response that makes little to no sense.)

At 5'10" and about three bills, I know there are plenty of Islanders that are bigger than me. However, my point is a Hawaiian shirt on a fat guy is just stereotypical. Like a Mexican in a poncho or an Irishman dolled up like a leprechaun, it's more of a joke than an actual fashion choice.

Now, as I said in the "On the Menu" post from last week, I love Hawaiian shirts. I would truly wear one everyday. And you know why? They're damn comfortable and I like vibrant colors. Sue me.

I admire the fat guy in the Hawaiian shirt. I wish I could be that secure in my fatguyness (new word). However, this would not be as wonderful of a read if I were a self-confident fat guy. My neurotic tendencies make this a more interesting forum. And one of the things that makes me especially self-conscious is what I am wearing.

I am constantly paralyzed by how people view me, even though I often relish being a fat guy. Wearing a Hawaiian shirt magnifies that worry and makes me really uncomfortable, which contradicts my first reason for loving Hawaiian shirts (see Editor's note above). I'm comfortable on the outside, but my inner insanity makes me unable to enjoy that feeling.

My head hurts. I think I'm going to stop here. Maybe we'll revisit this at a later time. I'll probably just have Bail $$$ write it. Nothing more to say except ...

I (heart) pie.

That Took Some Serious Balls AdSense

For those in the Fat Guy Coalition who may not know, Google AdSense is a way for those on Blogger to make a little money by putting advertisements on their blog. And I mean "little money," as in large checks for mere pennies. AdSense is supposed to find ads that relate to your specific site.

I thought this would be a great idea for the Fat Guy Report. Maybe there would be little ads for big and tall stores or restaurant coupon books or other things that interest proud fat guys like us.

But what do we here get from AdSense? Weight loss ad after weight loss ad piled one on top of the other. You believe that?

Well, I'm here to say I would never do that to you, my fellow Fat Guy Coalition brethren. The Fat Guy Report is here so we have a place to be the fat guys we were born to be. No questions asked. This is a forum where we laugh at washboard abs and chiseled jaw bones. We know those won't keep you warm when the heat goes off one night.

This is my promise. I'm here to tell AdSense that I don't need the "Best diet plan for 2009," and neither does any Coalition member. You know that won't change, because no matter what ... 

I (heart) pie.

Waistline Battle Royal: Vol. I

As I wrote in the very first Fat Guy Report post, one of the main issues I planned to discuss on this site was at which point does a fat guy raise his waistline from below the belly to right square on his belly button.

I'll be honest with you, my fellow Fat Guy Coalition members. I have been thinking about this one idea for months, and have yet to come up with a quality position on this topic. However, since there are only about 15 people reading this — 15 good friends to be exact — I'm sure I'll be forgiven for missing a point here or there.

Also, as you have noticed, this is just Vol. I. Many members of the Coalition will be throwing in their two cents at some future point.

Here's my take. I have been wearing my waistline below the belly for 25 years now, and have no plans to change. The only time I have really made a go at the migration north did not work out well. It was the suit I purchased before my first job interview after college. The tailor was indignant, and wouldn't let me leave with a comfortable pair of pants.

I took the new, high-waistline trousers to me on the interview and suffered for six hours. I felt like an old man, and was obsessed by the very visible roll of fat throbbing from below my belt. After a few hours, I just lowered the waistline, tightened the black strip of leather woven between the loops, and went around walking on the cuffs of my now-incredibly long pant legs.

It was embarrassing, but I got the job. That bundle of dark blue cloth stuffed in the bottom of the hamper became my lucky suit. Once it returned from the cleaners, we both made a visit back to the same, indignant tailor.

I now have a suit that fits me as well as anything I have ever owned, and a happy fat guy belly hanging out in all its glory.

Now, I don't see this as a fashion issue, in the sense I don't believe a man looks better with either the lower or higher waistline. This is simply a comfort issue. What is interesting to someone like me is how a fat guy could feel good with the over waistline. My good friend and mentor, Bail $$$, made the transition years ago. He swears by the high belt line, but he knows where I'm coming from. He too remembers when it seemed weird to wear his pants like he now does. But after doing it for so long, he can't think of going back. 

There's what I love about this discussion. Every fat guy has worn his pants with the waistline under his jiggle drum, but you can't really experience the over-the-belly belt line until you make the move for good.

In a way, it's like those fat guys who have made the transition are a member of some evolutionary species of (fat) man. They have moved on to some greater form of fat guy than I. 

In the future, the Fat Guy Report will have various guest authors make an appearance, with the only condition being they must first write their response to his issue. The Over/Under Waistline Discussion will be this site's signature topic.

Let's see if this is a good idea — or makes sense at all — in a few months. Until then, I feel pretty good about this one.

I (heart) pie.

Fat AIDS

It is the feeling many of us — ah, who am I kidding, all of us — have experienced. It is more than just the feeling of being too full. It is more than just the realization that we have stuffed our gullets beyond what God had intended. No, this is the point of no return. It is when eating has caused you physical pain.

I guess any one can experience it, but as a fat guy, it just makes sense that we experience it far more often than the average human. But to fully understand this feeling, we must go through the "Progression of Fullness."

First, there is "unfulfilled." This is when you get one hot dog because time is short. However, three would be have been suffice. You're still hungry and, more importantly, you're just upset.

Second, is "full." It is the feeling you get a few minutes after you have stopped eating before being satisfied. It takes self control to reach this stage. For that reason, it's plain to see why I have not often experienced such a state.

Third, is technically termed "stuffed." More commonly, it is the stage where you pull back from your plate and utter some phrase including the words "too much." You have ate until you feel full, which means you have over done it. This is the way I have felt for approximately 68 percent of my adult life.

Fourth, let's call it, "Oh, God. I think I'm dying." This stage needs little explanation.

Finally, comes the aforementioned period when eating has caused pain. This is, to the best of my knowledge, your body beginning to attack itself as punishment for your gluttony. The clinical diagnosis is "Fat AIDS."

Now, I'd love to take full credit for this idea, but, I cannot. It came about from a dialogue with the Big E about a month ago. When I described the feeling I had in my stomach as my body combating itself, he responded with the now classic, "Like AIDS?"

What followed was the introduction of Fat AIDS into our personal lexicon.

Now it belongs to the entire Fat Guy Coalition.

I (heart) pie.

Edmundo: Patron Saint of the Denny's Crew

There really is no better part to being a fat guy than having your own fat guy posse. For me, the best fat guy collection I have ever been part of was the Denny's Crew of San Jose. 

I was joined by the Big E, the Big Worm, and Big Nate (I think we were just lazy in the nickname department). And unlike most fat guy crews, we had three little guys in on the fun: Chadwick, D Young and Yowbert. They weren't fat guys, but they could eat like us. That was good enough. The four true fat guys were our own set known as the 250-plus club. 

There were two simultaneous events that took us from being a group of young men who ate at Denny's often to the aforementioned Denny's Crew. The first was a promotional giveaway held by the restaurant where you were given a hole-punch cards to tally the number of meals you've had at Denny's. The deal was after five meals you received a sixth free. We referred to it as the "frequent eaters" card. 

The second event was the introduction of Edmundo the waiter. 

Now this may turn into a gigantic "man-love" letter for a man who is simply the greatest service employee of all time, so stay with me. Since our group headed out to Denny's about once a week before the frequent eaters cards were introduced, you could imagine how often we were now at Denny's with the promise of a free meal on the table. We usually didn't get there until after midnight, and there were only a few waiters and waitresses who worked the late shift. We were usually sat in one of the big booths, and that's where we met Edmundo.

Edmundo remembered us the second time we walked in, and by the fourth night of our new friendship, he knew our orders by heart. No joke. He would greet us with that magnificent smile of his, sit us down, keep the menus in hand, then recite our individual requests like he was born to do it.

"Bacon cheeseburger, plain. Side of fries and a Cherry Coke." My drunken eyes began to water once those beautiful words came firing out from behind that man's slightly yellow teeth.

The same could be said for the rest of the Denny's Crew. Especially the Big Worm, whose order deserves its own posting. I can't remember the exact order, but "Boca burger with bacon" was prominently involved. I mean, to hear Edmundo ramble off that ridiculous  phrase became one of the many reasons I mourned quietly when the Big Worm moved out of town.

It should be noted, the frequent eaters card lasted only a month. While every member of the Denny's Crew completed his original card, Big Nate put the rest of our coalition to shame by finishing two and starting a third. Often, one or two of our members couldn't make it on any given excursion, but I don't think Big Nate ever missed a trip.

The day any of us were able to use our free meal was huge day for the group. Like a certain, destructive graduation. It was usually used after a night of drinking. Mine was no exception.

I had finished a case of Coronitos (that's 24 seven-ounce Coronas) and was feeling pretty good. I demanded a Denny's Crew summit at our headquarters and when Edmundo sauntered over to our table, I was beaming. Once he repeated my usual order, I raised a single finger in the air to catch Edmundo's attention. 

"And," I proudly stammered, "a short stack of pancakes."

The rest of the Denny's Crew rightfully laughed, but not Edmundo. Like a professional, he acted like he'd been there before. The man simply curled the corners of his mouth, scratched down the new side order in his order book, and went on with his work. I'll always remember and admire that about Edmundo.

I will also remember cradling the porcelain later that night, realizing the pancakes were just one of several mistakes I made that evening.

I (heart) pie.

Seth Rogen is Not a Fat Guy

Seth Rogen is hilarious. Seth Rogen makes very good movies. Seth Rogen is not a thin man.

However, Seth Rogen is definitely not a fat guy.

This isn't an attack on the man. In fact, most people would think it's a positive thing to be not fat. But the real problem is that so often in his films we are told he is a fat guy. We are supposed to laugh at this "fat guy" while he does fat guy things. The problem is he's just a guy who's not in good shape, so automatically he is put into the "fat guy" category. Well, as a fat guy, it's just not fair.

If Hollywood wants a fat guy, go get Kevin James. That's a legitimate fat guy right there.

The other side of that coin is the actor who used to be in shape, but now is clearly carrying around a few extra pounds. I think Alec Baldwin is a comedic genius on 30 Rock, but don't tell me he can get any women he wants even though he has the same body as a retired NFL linebacker. He's not quite a fat guy, but he obviously isn't shooting any running-on-the-beach-shirtless scenes anytime soon.

What we need is a name for this Seth Rogen gray area. We have the handsome-leading-actor-Brad-Pitt-Leonardo-DiCaprio category. And we have the jiggling-gut-man-boobs-Chris-Farley-Homer-Simpson category.

Where is the happy, lazy medium between these two?

The answer is quite simple. We have to go back to the days when words actually meant something. At some point the term "out of shape" became synonymous with "fat." Just like the terms "hot," "beautiful," and "cute" mean wildly different things when describing a women, there is a big leap between "out of shape" and "fat."

The issue is that "out of shape" is just too wordy for a simple description. There has to be some one or two syllable term we can use. My suggestion: flabby. Definition: Not thin, but still buy clothes off the rack in the same kind of store where they have paintings of smiling, blonde, half-naked people on the beach.

Seth Rogen is flabby. Alec Baldwin is flabby. Flabby is not fat. Fat is not flabby. Now that we have that cleared up, I feel a lot better.

I (heart) pie.

What's on the Menu?

Here are some upcoming discussions for this ground-breaking site.

— Is it reasonable to believe that women who work at a Casual Male XL clothing store are into fat guys, therefore making them the perfect women for a single fat guy to pursue?

— After all we know, why do so many fat guys still rock the horizontal stripes?

— On the same note: What's with the Hawaiian shirt love? (Which I do love, but always feel too "stereotypical fat guy" when thinking about buying one.)

— The ultimate fat guy restaurant guide.

— The first of several fat guy drinking rule books.

— The complete over/under belt line forum.

— And much, much more!

With your help, let's make the Fat Guy Report in the next big thing on the Internet.

Indignity at the Drive-Thru

Here's the situation. 

You and two friends plan to get some food, but only one is charged with the task of hitting the drive-thru. Let's say it's a burger place. One orders a couple of small burgers; an

other wants a chicken sandwich, chicken nuggets, and fries; and the last individual orders the ol' number two with a Coke. The first two decided they were either going to have water, or there's stuff to drink at the apartment. 

If this is a normal, non-fat guy, there's no problem. That individual doesn't worry what the person behind the window thinks. And most likely, the person behind the window, if they have a thought at all, will assume the customer will simply be delivering the food to a group.

Now, as a fat guy, there is a whole psychological process involved. Either your an overly self-confidant fat guy, and really don't worry about what the man or woman behind the window is thinking, or you become an apologetic wreak.

While there are plenty of self-confident fat guys in the world, I am not one of them. Most of my fat guys friends are not like them. And, in all honesty, this site is not for those fat guys.

The few minutes sitting in that line of cars becomes a harrowing situation where a fat guy feels the need to explain himself to the poor employee, who he believes is judging him from that tiny box.

You see, the self-conscious fat guy believes that the individual behind the window expects us to devour this $15 semi-feast the moment our car drives past the glass. This thought, inevitably, becomes something we feel needs to be addressed. I can't explain how many times something like this happens, and all I want to do is let out a cry explaining, "This is for three people. I swear. Don't judge me, please!"

I know it makes no sense to most, but there are many people, like the Big E, who know exactly what I'm talking about when I tell this story.

To add to the whole embarrassing situation, there is nothing worse than seeing people laugh in the kitchen when you pull up. The chances they are laughing at you is almost nil, but don't try and explain that to my kind of fat guy. There is no other reason for those employees to be laughing in our mind. Fat guy plus tons of fast food equals the highest of comedy. Nothing can make you feel worse.

And here's the reason behind all this: There was only one drink ordered. All I keep thinking at this moment is that if my friends had simply ordered a drink, then no one would assume it is all for the pathetic fat guy in the driver's seat. That's it.

I can't begin to count the number of times I have cursed some of my closest friends over the fact that their decision to save $1.50 on a drink has made me go though this indignity.

However, I am a fat guy for a reason. And sometimes there really aren't two other friends back at the apartment.

I (heart) pie.

Don't Worry My Friends

Have no fear my fellow fat guys. The Fat Guy Report is still going strong, although you may not realize it by our less than continuous updates I may have promised a few of you in 2008. And by few, I mean the half dozen or so of my friends who seem to be the only people who know about this site. Well, things are going to start changing, and the Fat Guy Report will be running strong beginning this month. So tell everyone you know, fat and non-fat alike, to get ready for a better look into the life of the large. 

I (heart) pie.