Yeah, I Get It, Doc. But What About The ...

Rich people often divide themselves into two, distinct categories — old money and new money — to differentiate between those who have family money and those who made their own riches. Even though the Fat Guy Report is a welcoming environment for all in the coalition, we have a similar division amongst our quarters.

We have the separation of the old fat and the new fat.

It comes down to your childhood. I was a fat kid and had to deal with all the slings and arrows that accompany such a youth. By the time I was in my late teens, I was comfortable with growing up into a fat man. On the other hand, new fat is the fat guy who didn't start to properly fill out his form until at least his late teens or twenties.

It is important to know the difference in order to understand just how awfully embarrassing and infuriating it is to go to the doctor as a fat guy. Those on the new fat side of the line may have noticed this over the years, but as a member of the old fat clan, you don't see the difference unless you go with someone else to the doctor.

What you don't know unless you're one of us is that doctors never actually care what it is we have when we walk through those doors. He or she is only concerned with our weight. 

I go in with a bad flu (or any physical ailment for that matter), I have to sit through a 20 minute speech about how I need to change my diet and exercise more vigorously.

Here's the thing I never understood about that damn speech. I know I'm fat and understand the best way to lose pounds. It's not a surprise. Even if I had some historic sense self delusion, I figured out I'm a fat guy when I had to stop buying clothes off the rack at the mall or when that same disgusted look I've seen countless times crawl across a women's face at a bar. 

The speech is just unnecessary.

But here's the really weird thing. I thought this was what almost everyone had to deal with at the doctors. Not the fat guy speech, of course, but I figured doctors simply found a fault with everyone who came into their examination rooms. 

I'm not sure what the doctor would choose outside of weight, but I imagined everyone had to sit through some needless speech for one thing or another. That was until I accompanied a friend to the doctor.

It was a truly eye-opening experience. The doctor came in, said a few obligatory words of welcome, then asked what was wrong. After being told of the problem, the doctor simply explained what was going on and wrote a prescription. Done and done.

Everyone of us old fat members reads that last paragraph with a blending sense of wonder and hostility, for we have had such a welcoming experience.

I once had a trip to the doctor that went almost as smoothly, but that was only because I was adamant to avoid the speech and simply turn the conversation back to my inflamed throat. It worked most of the time, but then you always get the last bit of humility while walking out the door.

It may be a mention about diet, or even a damn pamphlet. This time it was a "suggestion" to stop by the health and nutrition building on my college campus.

Yeah, Doc. Will do. Right after I pick up the antibiotics to fix what's actually wrong with me.

I (heart) pie.