The Godfather of the FGR Introduces the World to the SHED Theory

I've mentioned how one of the greatest things about being a fat guy is that every now and then you can become part of a fat guy crew. Well, one of the best crews I've ever been associated with is headed by the man known here as our Godfather — Bail $$$.

If there has ever been a fat guy that made fat guys the coolest men in the room, it's this lovable fat bastard. Anyway, after getting to spend some time with him out on the town this past weekend, I felt it only fitting to pass along what might be the single most impressive fat guy theory ever hatched.

You must first understand the four-headed monster that gave birth to this mind baby. You have Bail $$$ and his father — who will always be known in this forum as the man who bore Bail $$$. They were joined by two of the biggest, loudest, drinkingest, swearingest, kick-the-hell-out-of-anything-that-moves-just-because-there-was-nothing-better-to-do-est fat guys roaming God's green Earth: Billy Bob and Sac State Lane.

These men not only terrified every father in Northern California at some time during the past 50 years, but they also have the insane ability to mentally connect into the fat guy equivalent of Voltron. That is what happened on one particular night. That is why we have the SHED Theory.

Now, Blogger has a few vulgarity rules I like to follow, but I think every member of the Fat Guy Coalition will get what I'm talking about.

Imagine yourself driving down a stretch of road in any American suburb. It is, no doubt, blue collar. The front and back yards are big, and the men in these homes take pride when they wake up early on a Saturday morning to cut their own lawns.

The first house you drive by has a small, plastic tool shed in the back. It is obviously cheap. It lacks any fortitude, but tries to look nice to fool a prospective buyer. Inside, well, as you would expect, is a tiny, unsatisfying push mower. It takes a lot just to get the smallest of jobs completed.

The next yard has a little bigger structure peaking it's flimsy aluminum roof out from above the fence. It's a little more massive than his neighbor's plastic shed, but it is still crudely manufactured. There was no time spent on this backyard embarrassment, as you can see from the missing wooden slats. He mows his lawn with a gas-powered machine. However, it is quite rusty and always has trouble starting.

Now, as for the third man ... what can I say? He has a towering, beautiful structure in his yard. It is hand built and massive. The sides have been constructed with care and artistry. It has big barn doors and even windows. It is hand painted and the roof looks better than the one he has on his own home. Within this gigantic structure is a top-of-the-line riding lawn mower. Cutting the grass on this mechanical marvel is more relaxing than a beach vacation.

You see. This man has the most magnificent tool in the neighborhood. And when you have the best tool around, you have to build a strong, but more importantly, large dwelling for it.

The point of the SHED Theory is — whether it is a man or a lawnmower — a bigger shed houses a bigger (and better) piece of equipment.

I (heart) pie.